Laura Petrolino
I’m pretty sure there are two types of people in this world—those who pretty much stroll through life thinking they are the bombastic bomb at everything they do, and those who constantly have to work to overcome self-doubt.
The first group can only reach a certain level of success, because they never take the time to evaluate what more they could do, or how they can improve.
The second group constantly strives to do more, be more, bring more to the table.
I’ve never met a high achiever who doesn’t doubt themselves at some point (and normally frequently).
In fact, I’m pretty sure high achievers ARE high achievers because they doubt themselves.
This self-awareness drives to daily push limits and live life with the constant fear of failure, but ready to do it anyway to accomplish more.
As Henry Ford said
The way to succeed is to double your failure rate.
Sink or Swim: Two Sides of Self-Doubt
For all my #PetroPower-ing, about once per quarter I go through about two weeks or so of thinking I’m an absolute and complete failure at everything I do in life.
If you pay close attention you’ll see it through my writing here.
Sometimes I even write about things like dealing with failure, or the like….
Self-doubt is normal, especially if you are the type who constantly pushes to achieve more.
And what I’ve learned is I can either use it productively to help me grow and become better, or let it sink me.
The choice is mine.
It’s really easy to let yourself fall into a “woe is me,” mindset when you are trying to overcome self-doubt.
And, because you often create your own reality, that type of perspective will only further give you evidence to further fuel your internal critic.
So I’ve developed a few techniques for when I go through a phase like this, to help me come out in a stronger place vs. a weaker one.
Overcome Self-Doubt Step One: Take a Time Out
When you have a job that’s about relationships and working with people (as we do in communications) a good portion of what we do in a day has to do with confidence.
And I’m talking confidence, not cockiness (which are two very different things).
It is very important to have an inner confidence and the sense of direction, focus, and assurance it brings.
If you aren’t confident, how can you expect your client to be?
Or anyone working to develop and execute a successful strategy?
This type of confidence takes time, education, and experience to build.
The good news is, while it can’t be built over night, it also can’t crumble overnight….or if you have a day high on self-doubt. However, how you project yourself in your interactions can and will change.
This is why I will literally give myself a time out.
This is normally only a few minutes of stepping back, regrouping, and smacking some sense into my brain.
One mistake people often make when trying to overcome self doubt is they just keep pushing until they wear themselves out.
And exhaustion—both mental and physical—only fuels self-doubt further.
So take a step back.
Breath.
Re-group.
Overcome Self-Doubt Step Two: Watch Your Tone
Just like your mom used to say growing up…”watch your tone!”
In communications we focus constantly on the tone we project to consumers, which is why it’s so odd we don’t often look at the tone we speak to ourselves in.
This concept was first brought up to me by my awesome friend Jessica Dolce , and ever since it’s something I think about constantly.
What tone do you speak to yourself in?
It makes a big difference.
Spend the next week and be extremely self-aware during your self-talk.
Is the tone you speak to yourself in one that you would use with your team? Client? Friend?
In most cases, you’ll find it’s not.
And this is especially true when you try to overcome self-doubt.
Your tone often becomes hard, accusing, demeaning—none of these are productive to your goals.
When I give myself a time out, the first thing I do is look at the tone I’m using with myself—and change it.
Change your tone, change your life.
Overcome Self-Doubt Step Three: Self-Proof File
I have a file with comments or compliments people have given me that really meant a lot.
- They might be in areas I’m unsure of myself in.
- They might be from people whose opinions I really respect and value.
- They might just be fun little tidbits that help me re-focus.
But they are all productive comments someone in my life has given me (so if you’ve ever complimented me, thank you….your words have probably boosted me up when I really needed it).
I go to this file and I read.
Because, while I might not trust myself during a time of self-doubt, I have no choice but to trust the words of others.
There is a reason this is the final step, so don’t try to push it up on the list.
Until you step back and change the way you talk to yourself, you won’t be able to accept these compliments. Instead you’ll make excuses for these nice pieces of proof that you are on the right track in life.
Trust me, you will. Don’t try to cheat the system.
Stop, Drop, and Roll
I think of these three steps much like a “stop, drop, and roll.”
They get me out of my own, non-productive, head and help me put things in context.
They give me the sense of space to evaluate what the real reason for the doubt is and where I need to improve in order to push through that next boundary.
What tips would you add? How do you overcome self-doubt?
I found myself nodding from top to bottom while reading your article, Laura.
I agree with you. A dose of self-doubt helps you reach beyond self-imposed limits.
When I am in a self-doubt zone, I take a break and go for a walk outside. Watch people, houses, pets. I try to put my thoughts on hold and be in the moment. When I feel a switch in energy, I know I’m good to come back.
I LOVE the self-proof file idea. I need to put in practice.
I walk or hike every week day evening. EVERY ONE. For the exact same reason, I need that break—outdoors, in nature, to clear my brain and step back from the day. It’s a time for me to process and reboot, so I’m ready to go the next day.
And if you need some stuff for your self-proof file, I can help you out 🙂
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I struggle with this FREQUENTLY (and if you ever need an addition to your self-proof file, I will be glad to add something!). Much of my self-doubt gets wrapped up with the paralysis of “what if I do [XYZ TASK] wrong?” I’ve gotten a bit better about JUST STARTING. There’s hardly a blog component that can’t be revised, a tweet that can’t be deleted, etc. Probably what CAN’T be changed after the fact is what we say in person and how we treat each other. That’s always a work in progress.
Interesting. My self-doubt almost never comes at the beginning of something, I’m pretty fearless in taking on pursuits…..it’s normally mid-way, during the process, or even close to the end. I might take a deeper look into the different phases, because my guess is they come from different places…..hmmmmm, leave it to you to give me some additional goodies to ponder.
Aah, thank you for this! It’s comforting to be reminded that these flashes of self doubt are not unique to me. While I generally feel this is a negative occurrence, it’s a nice point to make that high achievers face this often often.
I recently left my 13-year career in PR and marketing to start my own freelance PR agency. It’s been a rollercoaster of thrill and excitement and terror and self doubt.
Someone recently told me that it’s not the big stuff that I do that will sustain my business, it’s the 100 small things I do well that will earn me business. I keep reminding myself that I need to maintain confidence in all that I do; all of it matters. So while the big, new projects are shiny and exciting, the small projects are really what counts. If I can keep doing all of those small projects very well, I’ll make it!
Cue The Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song!
I’ve had the MTM show theme song in my head ever since reading this! Hahah! So thank you (I think).
First, I totally agree—it’s the little things, the details are what sustain you and make you successful. I also think the details are what people remember. This is an entirely different topic (and maybe a future blog post), but as I’ve grown older I’ve very much changed my focus to the details of life. If I can make a small difference, daily, in the lives of those around me through the details of what I do…..that’s powerful.
Anyway, good luck to you! I often remind myself (and others) if you aren’t constantly sort of petrified….you aren’t pushing yourself to reach your full potential. Good for you for taking on that challenge. Can’t wait to see you continue to succeed!
(also, let us know if you’d ever like to share your experience in this transition here on Spin Sucks, I’m sure others would find it really useful)
I similarly have a collection of notes and thank you cards. I find these help a lot when I’m in a funk. I’ve also started a collection of articles that inspire me to pick back up and begin again. This one is being added to the file!
I really like the idea of pausing and listening to the tone we are using to speak to ourselves. I do this in hindsight, but being able to notice the negative self-talk and stop it right away would be powerful! An entire afternoon of self-doubt could be switched to a few moments.
Ahh…such an honor to be added to the motivation file! That’s one of the best compliments I could receive!
Can’t wait to see what you think about the tone experiment!
Do you need a hug??! I’d offer you tacos, but we all know where that ends up.
HUG ME!
“The last of human freedoms – the ability to choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” -Viktor Frankl
Self-doubt is one of the hardest things to overcome through attitude adjustment for me. I love that you created a process to help you push through.
You quoted one of my favorites. I ADORE Viktor Frankl and have basically read or watch everything he’s ever done. He has shaped a great deal of my perspective on life.
Great post. An additional thought: Work with a coach or therapist to empower yourself to be reliant on one person for approval: Yourself. During my agency days, I lived through the ups and downs that comes with depending on others, usually my clients, for my sense of self-worth. After years of coaching and self-coaching, I’m now dependent on myself. As a result, I no longer seek out the notes from others that you cite. If I come across one, I savor its sweetness, but I no longer need them. It’s all within.
That is SUCH a good point. As an extroverted extrovert, it’s something I stink at….which as you pointed out is rather obvious in this post! Haha! I’m my own worst critic, but not my own best cheerleader…which when you look at it, doesn’t really make sense. Thanks for this Ken!
Yes!! Self-doubt has always been the foundation of my biggest successes. I don’t think it’s possible to grow without it. Love the file system! Something I’ve noticed is that when I doubt myself in a way that is unproductive (stalls progress, etc.), it’s always due to something like lack of sleep/wrong work environment/not enough exercise and so forth. Just easy tweaks that help you move forward 🙂
Yes!! This is sooo true! It’s really important to count the external factors. They matter, more than we like to admit
Did you write this post for me? I, too, love that you created this process. I have a hard time taking breaks because there’s a little voice telling me I’m wasting time. It’s so important though and I am getting better.
Hahaha! I was wondering if you’d read this. No, not directly, but you were sort of my muse in that our discussion reminded me this is a struggle many deal with (and it’s nice to know other people are in the same spot). <3