Women Are Our Own Worst Enemies

It's funny but i have never dressed for another woman. I dress for myself Nd for my husband. Not all woman feel the need to compete and some woman are more competitive than other woman. WHERE DOES THIS STEM FROM? I had an older sister that when we were young she tried filling my head with how woman should act and dress because this is how other woman were. Well, good for them. I don't want to be that way. I am an individual! It's as simple as that people! Woman compete when they are put in a position to compete and then their are woman that have a belief system that to get anywhere with others or to get anywhere in this world is to be in competition. What a lousy way to live. Unfortunately the rest of us are the ones who have to take the brunt of these behaviors because we constantly deal with their insecurities that we are trying to take something from them or show them up. If they feel that way it is important to know that others are not the threat but the threat itself is in their own self doubt and I suppose they should straighten up because our own ill mannered behaviors is what tear us down. It depletes our self respect/ESTEEM How can a people be secure in themselves or happy with themselves when they criticize others or are untrustworthy? Giving respect not only builds others esteem but it gives us self-respect and esteem. To respect others is to really love yourself. I know a lot of people think nice people are weak but It really is just the opposite. Being kind/nice is to be strong because we have to endure ugliness but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt our feelings. However, if the unkindness is constant and someone really crosses the line than I have been known to turn ugly on that person. I'm standing up for myself and trust me I get ugly at that point. I don't like it but sometimes it is warranted. I leave it at that. That never has a good outcome either because losing control on someone makes a person look bad. It is usually over at that point. I have had only three people in my life come back and apologize for their behavior after I blew up but they were able to recognize their bad behavior. All of the others still felt justified for being jerks.

doesn't hurt.

that they doubt themselves.

Bingo, sista.

I would LOVE to see the same physical emphasis be placed on both sexes. I loved your description of what it would look like.

You are right that as a society we encourage this behavior, and boy does it start young!

Parents support the "princess culture" among little girls with their pocketbooks (if nothing else) and wonder why these girls are looking for someone to rescue them!

Girls are strongly reprimanded follow the rules while "boys will be boys".

All of these rules are strongly enforced by the girls as well, meaning if you want to not be an outcast, you have to conform.

It seems like this would be the level to start making substantial changes, coupled with trying to undo the social messages the rest of us have been indoctrinated with.

And yes, I know, this is sooooooooooooo easy for the non-parent to say. Why can't there be an easy solution?!?!?!?!?

Damn straight! And I'm really pleased you noted the 'sensuality' point. Often discussions of body image etc. can get mired in debates about pornography.

We are strong, amazing women and yet we can put each other down in a way that the opposite sex wouldn't dare touch. Be kind to one another is such a simple phrase but much underused. Thank you for this post.

Just catching up on reading this week and caught this. I think it's a crime when women don't stand up for one another out of spite, jealousy, or the like. I also think it's ridiculous when women don't believe they have enough. I choose to surround myself with amazing, inspiring people and make it a point to be there for those who have invested their time and energy in me. It is a choice. But it boils my blood when I hear the stats about low-wage workers - the majority are women and they are truly struggling. There is still a whole world which many of us are mostly isolated from in which men hold a lot of the cards, take advantage of women and women are left with lives which are difficult to escape. Domestic abuse, worker exploitation, and lack of childcare choices become women's issues because they impact women more than men. I think it's high time we support each other in every way. (Stepping off my soapbox now.)

The only person who controls what goes on in your own mind is you. Yes, the images in the media are horrible. Yes, this situation is terribly unfair. And yes, you need to speak up every time the media make some obnoxious remark.

What you believe you are is what you are. What do you choose to have happen in your own head? Are you worried about how you will do at tomorrow's meeting, if your hair looks bad, if you are not the perfect mom? Why are you wasting time with this? Do not let them win. Make your plans and then live in the present. Focus only on what you are doing right now, at this moment. This is important not just for you, but as an example to show your kids. I hear women lamenting about diets, etc., and think, "what are you doing to your children?"

And that said, we do need to fight. Every time someone says something obnoxious, flood the ADVERTISERS with calls and emails. We are not just 51% of the population, but more like 85% of the people making consumer decisions. Use it.

I have written a blog on how to live independently of the consumer culture that treats women like dirt. Please visit the Green Living site at www.pbzproductions.com.

Patty Zevallos

web and video producer

writing, directing, animation, design, illustration, web-based management

www.pbzproductions.com

I tend to agree... and that makes me sad. When I was a kid I asked my mom, "why do I have to dress up, there won't be any boys there!" And my mom answered, "women don't dress up for men, they dress up in competition with other women." I didn't understand then. I do now.

Haven't seen the movie yet. But I've had the "we're our own worst enemy" conversation in so many different contexts, so many times. And it's a bit of a paradox. When the sexism/racism/classism that brought a group to its state internalizes the ideals of whoever is thought to be the ruling class, yes, the oppressed are worse than the oppressors. It's like a kind of widespread Stockholm Syndrome where you side with the mentality of your captors in some type of desire to survive.But how would it have gotten that way if the original abuse and distortion of reality hadn't taken place. I believe we need to take responsibility as women, as grown people period, for our actions. what about young girls who think that this is just, well, normal?

And let's say we are successful in getting it right, 20 years from now? It's all for naught if we keep other types of bigotry alive. Because it'll come right back with the generation to follow. We'll have to clean the whole window, not this one ugly smudge.

You've written a great article on an issue that's more complex than it looks.

When I saw this movie a few weeks back (I actually watched it with my), it made my blood boil. But the one thing I didn't think about was the issue you raise in your post about us being our own worst enemies. And sadly, you're 100% correct.

In addition to supporting other women, I wish we were all more open and honest with another. We need to stop talking about or bad-mouthing other women behind their backs. We need to "man up" and say what we have to say to their face or not say it at all. And when we think someone looks great or does something deserving of praise, we need to share a compliment. On the flip-side, we also need to learn how to say "thank you" when someone pays us a compliment instead of putting ourselves down or lessening the value of what we've done. It's these small and simple steps that will help us build respectful relationships with one another.

I just had this conversation tonight with kidlet. I said, "Do not judge people for how they look because no one is perfect in any way." A nearly 10-year-old is extremely body conscious, and I'm needing to try harder not to make snide comments myself because she picks up on it.

It so sucks that women can't cut a break in business without being judged for appearance. Ever wonder how much global travel takes a toll on a person? And then you have to look decent for all the cameras as soon as you land?

oooo this is good....makes me thing of a book read not too long ago.
Did you ever read "Cinderella Ate My Daughter"? It was written by Peggy Orenstein. Delves into the world of girls from a very young and talks about how we are born with a certain frame of mind but then how we are shaped and molded to be a certain way based on society "telling" us how to act through media, and from woman to woman, competition amongst each other, etc. The part in the trailor above about women tearing each other down reminded me of one example she used, about the Disney franchise: when the concept came about of marketing their "princesses" together, on the same product, they were hesitant at first - they should always stand alone with no competition. Now if you look at any Disney product featuring multiple princesses, NONE of them are making eye contact - they are all gazing off into the distance, not acknowleding the others, as if they are the only one there. The first time I noticed this after reading was in the grocery store on a plastic cup - fa-reaky.

(GASP!)

Gini, seriously! You are THE woman!!

This time in my life, right now and for these last, say 2-3 years, is the first time since my very young years that I have had GOOD women friends...because you are right! Maybe it's about growing up, but I don't think so. There is something really special to be had from girl-friends and women mentors.

We already had the rest of the conversation earlier this year which resulted in my "Don't call me a bitch" post!! LOL.

Happy (and safe) Holidays my friend!

~Amber-Lee

Being raised by a single mom and watching how men treated here and my sister, I actually became a bit of a feminist (and hopefully learned a thing or two that helps me to treat the women in my life well).

I'd never thought of it from the mean girls perspective. Did you see the report today that women are actually more misogynistic on MTV than men?

Excellent topic, and I agree 100 percent with almost everything said below. In my experience, women can be incredibly supportive of each other, but I've also noticed that more times than not, we view each other as competition, regardless of whether we're in a professional or personal situation. What I find most disturbing is the unrealistic ideas of beauty coupled with the pornification of our culture. Even beauty becomes irrelevant if you're not a "slut." My niece is 14 and sees this play out among her peers on a daily basis. it's frightening.

Out of curiosity, do you think it is important that you focus in on being a strong woman or in making gender irrelevant?

The trailer is cool - I shared it when I first saw it HOWEVER, I feel that telling young girls that they are at a disadvantage at a young age is the only way these teens would come up with such an idea.

The gender discrimination thing is only there is you choose to accept it. I live by the rules that if I want something badly enough I'll go get it - If the prerequiste is a penis then I'll figure a way to get to where I want to go by sidestepping that route and finding another.

Yes, I get really angry if I am objectified as a woman, really angry. I yell, scream and then move on - there will always be idiots out there looking to drag you down to their level - penis possession is optional appendage in defining an idiot.

Be kind to everyone ... penis, vagina or both ... really.

I don't think it's fair to say women as a group rarely support one another. That's the exact kind of thinking we should avoid. I see examples of women supporting one another every day. It's far from rare.