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Guest

Twitter Brand Pages are Pointless

By: Guest | December 13, 2011 | 
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Today’s guest post is written by Brian Meeks.

Twitter introduces brand pages.

Some people say it will be a game changer. Those people are idiots. It won’t be a game changer, because NOBODY uses Twitter for tweeting…or at least they shouldn’t be.

So now I am filled with my trademarked “Howler Monkey Angst.”

It isn’t that they are making an effort to improve the Twitter site for its users that pisses me off; it’s that there are ANY users.

As I type this rant, I’m well aware of the unreasonableness of my dismay. Twitter provides a service I love. I would describe myself as a power Twitter user and have developed a lot of great friendships, but it has been almost two years since I’ve used Twitter for tweeting (giggles a little, knowing that the masses still wouldn’t understand what the hell I’m talking about…silly luddites…I digress).

I have three monitors, one of which is covered wall-to-wall with TweetDeck.

TweetDeck has six columns, with my main stream, mentions, my favorite list, direct messages, a search column (currently on #Buckeyes), and favorites. So why I am so upset that Twitter wants to get people to use their product?

It is because people who use Twitter for tweeting are making themselves partially unavailable.

Let me explain.

A tweet scrolls across my “All Friends Column:”

“My lap is full of napping cat. I’m hungry, but if I disturb Mr. Fluffy Pants, he won’t forget the transgression.”

I am powerless against only two things…tweets with bacon in them and kitty cuteness. Naturally, I’d want to replay with something along the lines of…

Order pizza for delivery, explain your dire situation, and have them bring it to your chair. #catnapfever

But then I look at the bottom of their tweet and my enthusiasm for replying plummets. I see the date, time, and then “via Web,” which is code for, “The bleeding idiot is STILL using Twitter on a browser, probably the horrific IE 9, and will be oblivious to your reply. Don’t even bother. They obviously have no self-respect, probably have criminal records, and think the “Oxford comma” is a pretentious bit of punctuation. In short, they are heathens. I blame their parents.”

So I move on.

Twitter is fantastic, but if one uses Twitter for tweeting, they are unable to watch more than one column at a time. Unless, of course, they are clicking back and forth on the tabs repeatedly, they won’t be able to carry on a conversation and catch the links to articles listing Top 10 Reasons Why Cheese Should Have its Own Food Pyramid. In short, they are missing out on half the Twitter fun and giving people the impression they don’t want to chat.

There are only three reasons to ever open a browser and use Twitter:

  1. You are on some strange computer in a library, computer cafe, or at your friends house (The one who mocks your use of social media and prefers to do things “outdoors” with people).
  2. You are popping in to see what changes they’ve made and you have no intent of staying more than 37 seconds.
  3. You’ve recently suffered a massive head wound and don’t know any better.

I’m not a religious person, but I believe Leviticus 5:9 says, “Thou shalt not use Twitter to tweet, lest they spend all of eternity in hell, listening to Justin Bieber tracks, with a gaggle of pre-teen girls.” I think it comes right after the passage about, “Thou shall pick one avatar and stick to it, or your followers won’t know who you are and will think you’ve died in a horrible llama herding accident.”

My point is this, if you are reading this post, you are likely serious about social media. If you want to be taken seriously, start using serious tools, such as TweetDeck or Hootsuite. Seriously!

(Next time on “Howler Monkey Rant”…Why everyone should have three monitors.)

P.S. If you have a client who wants a Twitter brand page, then by all means, make one. Tell them it is essential, and charge them double. I’ll even visit it and give it a T+ or whatever it will be. Just don’t announce the stupid thing using your browser!

Brian Meeks has delusions of novelist, which he feeds by authoring Henry Wood Detective Agency. (Available on his blahg). When the economy went south, he turned to social media and does this to feed and clothe himself.  In his free time, he does… well… social media… and publishes the Extremely Average. He can be reached on Twitter or by carrier pigeon at the house with the big tree out front.\

193 comments
ginad129
ginad129

@extremelyavg so, you're assuming that I can't see the little blue dot that pops up when I get a new @ mention? That doesn't seem fair.

delwilliams
delwilliams

This was funny. @ExtremelyAvg did a great job. I, myself am moving from Tweetdeck to Hootesuite The new one sucks.

ExtremelyAvg
ExtremelyAvg

@rjfrasca Thanks for telling people about my rant on Spin Sucks. It is much appreciated.

Tinu
Tinu

Hilarious. I use Twitter for web for tweeting because I use multiple tabs on multiple browers on my laptop, which I'm forced to use as my main computer as I spend about 50% of the week sick in bed. That's how I found your post by the way Brian.

Really funny post though, sincerely. Which I will tweet. And then retweet. Using Twitter on the Web.

ExtremelyAvg
ExtremelyAvg

@ginad129 Yes. I mentioned that one could click back and forth, but I don't think most people do it frequently.

OchoTex
OchoTex

@extremelyavg That's what everything should be for. Great post! Nice seaworthy avatar, BTW.

rjfrasca
rjfrasca

@extremelyavg I couldn't agree more. I haven't used Twitter.com for twitter since maybe 2008. You hit the nail right on the head there

ginad129
ginad129

@extremelyavg I think I will, as a "one avid tweeter said this, too, so keep it in mind" piece of advice.

Tinu
Tinu

@ExtremelyAvg@tonia_ries Oh, I've had this condition for 17 years, please don't feel bad for me, I'm used to it. A few years ago it was 90% from bed, before that I couldn't work at all for several years. .I'm very lucky actually. .I was just sharing that, tongue in cheek, to say that some of us have good reasons for using the web version of Twitter - whether it's that we're stuck with surfing the web on a PC laptop, and don't like any of the other web/desktop enabled clients, etc. We're not all idiots.. In the new Twitter, I love that you can follow a conversation thread. I'm using @bottlenoseapp now.. And I thought the article was very funny, sincerely I laughed out loud.

ExtremelyAvg
ExtremelyAvg

@ginad129 I'm sure it will be a great post, regardless. You could add "Frequent Avatar Changes, too." I get confused by that and think...

ginad129
ginad129

@extremelyavg this is true, and why I am willing to give the suggestion some space in the post: somebody might find it extremely useful

ExtremelyAvg
ExtremelyAvg

@ginad129 You might be right. Of course, some might give it a try and find it was helpful.

ginad129
ginad129

@extremelyavg I think people would be like, "But I don't know how to do anything else!" and blow it out of proportion

ExtremelyAvg
ExtremelyAvg

@ginad129 Of course, the main point of my article was to get people to chuckle. I'm really not that miliatant.

ExtremelyAvg
ExtremelyAvg

@ginad129 I really do devote one monitor to Tweetdeck. With the current book I'm writing, I have one monitor for research and one for video

ginad129
ginad129

@extremelyavg I've been meaning to get tweet deck up and running, but I just never get around to it.

ginad129
ginad129

@extremelyavg I use my iPad app, mostly. And when I'm at the computer, I'm doing other things & twitter isn't a priority.

AdamButlerTV
AdamButlerTV

@daringantt I wouldn't worry either. Brad Hoover once ran for 100 yards on a Monday night. A fan was also tackled on the field.

daringantt
daringantt

@AdamButlerTV Not at all. I find it appropriate Rudy was busted by the SEC today. Undersized frauds are getting exposed left and right.

clay_mitchell
clay_mitchell

@daringantt at some point you're going to have to go find a separate monitor to run on TweetDeck 24\/7

daringantt
daringantt

@billvoth Back in my old pre-tweetdeck days, I just kept two windows open. It really wasn't that hard. Even if it was by candlelight.

billvoth
billvoth

@daringantt i'll consider that your statement of gratitude for weening you off the old and making you somewhat advanced.

tonia_ries
tonia_ries

@ExtremelyAvg you're funnier when you're not being so nice - I'm sure people have told you that before. :-) @Tinu @bottlenoseapp One thing this conversation made me think of: historically, Twitter's been terrible for people who are sight-impaired and using readers of some kind. (There's a company called Accessible Twitter that attempts to solve that.) I wonder if this new version is worse or better...

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