My little one constantly asks her father to play Minecraft with her. It’s his least favorite thing, but he does it to spend time with her doing things she loves. (She knows better than to ask me…I have other strengths!).
A few nights ago, she really wanted him to play, and he really just wanted to watch football. It was the season opener for the Chiefs, who have been his team since he was a kid—not just since they started winning Super Bowls or since Taylor Swift’s boyfriend started playing for them.
So he told her he would play for 20 minutes. She countered with 45. He countered with 25. She countered with 40. He countered with 25. She went back to 45.
They went back and forth like this for a few minutes before he finally said he would play for 30 minutes.
She responded with, “Sorry, Daddy. Mom taught me to go high and not to back down when a man tells me no.”
(Massive parenting win!)
If she takes only that lesson into the working world with her, my job here is done!
He ended up playing for 45 minutes—and I yelled game updates to him from the other room.
Teaching the Younger Generations
Several weeks ago, I was scrolling through LinkedIn when I saw a post that said, “If you have a daughter, I want to encourage you to role-play with her how to answer the question, “What is your rate?”
I wish I had noted who posted it and what conversation ensued, but all I did was note that one sentence.
It struck home because I have a daughter, and I’ve taught her (and some of her friends) how to go high so they have room to negotiate. This started with her grandfather, who doles out cash like he has a money tree growing in the backyard. She wanted to earn more than her normal, ‘Hey, Pop. Do you have any cash?’ allowance, which he gets suckered into giving her every, single time.
We talked about how to earn more and negotiate what she would do in return. I had no idea she would use the knowledge in other aspects of her life, but I’ll admit I’m pretty darn proud!
Women Almost Never Negotiate
Throughout the years, I’ve hired women both professionally and personally. Most struggle to answer the “what is your rate?” question, and to this day, I have never had a woman negotiate her salary at work—not once, in almost twenty years.
Most women accept the first offer or, when pushed for their rate, respond with, “Whatever you think is fair.”
No. It’s not what I think is fair. I can’t walk into Target and expect to pay less than $99. No matter how often I tell myself I am just there for one thing, I never leave the $99 store for less than that. I also can’t go into a restaurant and pay what I think is fair for my meal and wine.
For some reason, we have some stigma attached to being paid for our time when, in fact, it’s the only thing we can’t scale. So, as you gain more experience and expertise, you get to charge more. And that starts in our youth when we’re doing jobs such as babysitting and tutoring, all the way through our careers.
According to a study by Syndio, nearly seven in ten women feel anxiety about negotiating pay, and one in five fear that asking for a salary boost could harm their careers. A study by Pew Research Center shows that women are more likely than men to say they don’t feel comfortable asking for higher pay.
And you would not believe the number of conversations I have with women business owners who say things like, “I don’t think they can afford that.” Or “I feel bad charging them that much.”
While you should negotiate, it should never be against yourself. You don’t know if they can afford your services until you put a real fee in front of them. It is not a fee you think they can afford, but what it costs to actually do the work they would like you to do.
Which Is a Systemic Issue
This reluctance to negotiate isn’t just a female problem. It’s a systemic issue deeply rooted in cultural and societal norms that have historically undervalued women’s work.
From an early age, girls are often taught to be accommodating and avoid conflict, which can lead to discomfort regarding self-advocacy in professional settings. Negotiation is seen as aggressive rather than a necessary business skill, which perpetuates the gender pay gap.
The consequences of not negotiating aren’t just about missing out on a few extra dollars on a paycheck. Throughout a career, those small increments add up significantly.
For instance, if a woman starts her career with a salary of $50,000 and never negotiates for raises, she could miss out on hundreds of thousands of dollars over her lifetime compared to a male counterpart who negotiates every time. This is compounded by the fact that raises and bonuses are often based on initial salaries, meaning that failing to negotiate at the outset can have a cascading effect.
What’s more, women often face backlash when they do negotiate—a phenomenon known as the social cost of negotiating.
Research shows that women who negotiate for higher salaries are more likely to be perceived as less likable and more demanding compared to men who do the same. This perception can have long-term implications for women’s careers, as likability and perceived cooperativeness often factor into promotion and leadership opportunities.
It’s a real problem and it leads to all sorts of challenges for women and for society.
Negotiate Isn’t a Bad Word
Negotiating doesn’t have to be a bad word. Instead of having a negative connotation, think about it as reaching an agreement that benefits everyone. Doing this involves preparation, communication, and a deep understanding of your value—the lack of confidence to negotiate breaks down when you don’t have all three things. More often than not, I see women give in during negotiations because they don’t understand their value (salary) or what things truly cost (fees for service). This does a huge disservice to you and your worth.
Let’s talk about how to get comfortable with all three so you can negotiate with confidence.
Preparation Is Key
Preparation is key, whether it’s for a salary, a contract, or a freelance rate. This involves understanding your worth, the industry standard, and what the other party values.
You need to go beyond simply knowing the numbers; understanding your strengths, what makes you unique, and the specific outcomes you can deliver sets the foundation for a compelling negotiation strategy.
First, know what your alternatives are when you go into a negotiation. It might be another job offer, another client, or another opportunity. Whatever it happens to be, having that in the back of your mind will help your confidence and put you in a much stronger position to negotiate.
Too often, we go into asking for a raise or to win a new piece of business without an alternative, which is our first mistake because it creates a no-win situation where we feel pressured to accept a deal that doesn’t meet our needs.
Asking for a raise could mean you have another job offer or that you deserve one and have been overlooked. But the most important thing is to showcase the work that you’ve done and why you deserve a raise.
I coach women—my team, clients, family, nieces, and friends alike—to showcase results. Spend time pulling together everything they’ve done individually and as a team to help move the business froward. In many cases, they are already doing the job above their current title, so I encourage them to find a job description of that position and outline what they’re already doing and what they might accomplish in the next 90 days.
For new business prospects, you have to, have to, have to know what things cost and include your profit margin in that fee. That is your rock-bottom fee. Always price things higher than rock bottom so you have room to negotiate. I always say that it’s not high enough if they don’t flinch when you quote your price. Keep going until they flinch.
One of the biggest negotiation mistakes is focusing too much on the cost rather than the value. If you’re negotiating your salary, it’s not about the number on the paycheck but about the value you bring to the company—the problems you solve, the revenue you help generate, and the efficiencies you create. Communicate the value, not just the number, and back it up with data, examples, and specific achievements.
How to Earn What You’re Worth
To figure out what you’re worth, there are four things you can do:
- Do your research
- Develop a unique value proposition, either for yourself or for your business
- Build your brand
- Practice saying no
Do Your Research
Understanding the market rate for your role or service is crucial. Websites like Glassdoor, LinkedIn, and Payscale can provide valuable insights into what others in your position earn. Understanding what competitors charge for similar services can provide a benchmark for agency owners and solopreneurs.
However, this is only a starting point. Don’t settle for market rates; consider your unique skills, experience, and the specific value you provide.
Develop a Unique Value Proposition
Your value proposition sets you apart from others in your field or even at your own company. What do you bring to the table that others don’t? Are you particularly skilled at turning around projects quickly? Do you have a unique combination of skills that others lack?
Define what makes you unique and be ready to articulate it clearly in your negotiations.
Build Your Brand
Your brand is a powerful tool in ensuring you earn what you’re worth. It helps you establish credibility, authority, and trust. When you’re known for your expertise, people are more willing to pay a premium for your services or your salary.
Building a strong brand involves consistently demonstrating your knowledge, sharing valuable content, networking with the right people, and maintaining a professional online presence.
Practice Saying No
One of the hardest things to do, especially when you’re just starting out or your revenue is down, is to say no to opportunities that don’t meet your value.
But this is important.
When you accept less than you’re worth, you set a precedent. Practice saying no to offers that don’t align with your value. It sends a strong message about your worth and prevents you from getting locked into low-paying, undervalued situations.
Do Not Negotiate Against Yourself
The last thing I want you to think about—and this is something I say to friends and clients a lot—do not negotiate against yourself. Too often, women will say, “Well, I don’t think they can afford what it really costs.” Or “I don’t have all of the experience the job description requires, so I’ll settle for lower pay,”
No. Stop it. Do not do this.
The only person you’re negotiating against is yourself when you do this. You do not know if they can’t afford what it really costs. And if they can’t, they need to find another firm. You do not know who else is interviewing for the job. You could very well be the best candidate for the role.
Do not underestimate yourself, and do not negotiate against yourself.
Uncomfortable? Do It Anyway
My niece called me a few weeks ago and said she had been offered a sous chef position. She went after it, knowing she probably wouldn’t get it because she’s only in her first year of culinary school. Not only did she interview well, but they offered her the job. When she called, we talked about how to ask for more money and what else should be included in the package. She hemmed and hawed about it because she knows she doesn’t quite have enough experience yet, but I told her that they offered it to her regardless, so she should negotiate the salary and benefits.
She was very nervous, but she did it anyway, and they countered about half of what she had asked for. I counseled her again, and she went back to them. She got what she wanted, plus ten extra paid time off days. She wouldn’t have gotten what she deserved if she had given in to her nerves.
Negotiate for Your Financial Security
Teaching younger women to negotiate confidently can have profound effects on their future. By instilling these skills early, we’re preparing them for their first jobs and equipping them for a lifetime of successful negotiations.
Addressing this anxiety in their formative years helps them build the confidence needed to advocate for themselves effectively. This empowers them in the present and trains the next generation to close the gender pay gap and foster a culture of assertiveness and self-worth.
Ultimately, changing this narrative starts with each of us—teaching our daughters and nieces that knowing their worth is non-negotiable. This will help them advocate for equal pay and fair negotiations in our workplaces and support other women in negotiating their worth.
It’s about creating a culture where women feel as entitled to advocate for their financial security and professional value as their male counterparts.